"The Secretions are men of peace in a world of mayhem. They are poets and onanists and bloodsucking freaks. They are punk rock."

- Joe Queer of the Queers
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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Secretin of the Week - Eoin

Name: Eoin
Band: The Sacramento Astral League, The Gridrats, Dead Bothans, Hiking Biking Bandits, Eoin and the Buttloving Terrorists, The Pogo Akbars
Age: 19
City: sacramento
School: Perish the thought!

Favorite Secretions Song: Love of my life, I'm pretty stoked they have begun to play it again but wish they re-recorded it for Faster than the Speed of Drunk so im not stuck with the ADD version that is 50 fucking minutes long.
Favorite Secretions Cover: They do a pretty good rendition of She's a Robot by The Gridrats
Favorite Secretions Album: Til' Death
Favorite Secretion: The Secretions are like my retarded kids, you can't make me choose.

When did you first see the Secretions? Some dame took me to a show that I'm pretty sure the Adicts were headlining. Mickie claims they have never played a show with the Adicts, but why should I believe that hophead!? Well, the Secretions started playing and after 3 songs I was hooked. Ironicly enough, 3 songs in, the wench I came with said we had to go, something to do with Y2K. For the next week, I took to breaking into song and saying "I ate my neighbors, I ate my neighbors, bumdunadu kum dela". I later I found those weren't the words when I went to Danny Secretions Lame Ass Birthday Bash way back when he was turning 68 or something. It was a tremendous experience for a 15 year old to have the band take time to talk to you even though you had nothing to say back.

Describe your favorite Secretions related memory. When me and Paul had to stop Oswald Cobblepot from winning his run for mayor. And when me and Danny had to play a show big enough to raise money to save the orphanage where we grew up in and thwarted Illonoise Nazis and hung out with Cab Calloway along the way. And the time I dressed up as a middle aged but still hip nanny just so i could spend some time with Mickie.

Do your parents know you're a Secretin, how do they feel about it? My mom has met both Mickie and Danny.

Do you have a favorite Secretions related picture?
Kinda like this one...

I know you're pretty active with Silversprocket. What do you do and how did you get into it? Like, did you meet Avi by going to shows or find the Secretions through Avi or what? The first time I ever met Avi, I was about to fall asleep somewhere and he wandered in the house and looked around until he saw me and said "oh...sorry...I smoked weed and I'm not very good at it" and I was like "what?!"

Then I showed up at his house one day to help him do mailorder and wouldn't ya know it, the Tera Melos crashed through the door, started floppin around all over the place, playing their guitars with thier tracias in the most damndable time signatures, making sure everyone saw thier Kafka books, and I was like "HEY! this is private residence man!" And they just kept vibrating and jigglin all over the place until I picked up a frying pan and yelled "you're not king crimson!" and smacked 'em out a window.

Avi was so impressed, he made me a golden stirfry that he said would grant me one wish as long as the wish was to work there. And I'm not a supersticious man, but I'll be damned if that thing didn't work. I've been working there for over a year now and I barely regret it.

Recently, Avi was drafted to the Great Space War so me and Vince are running the company until Avi is back and there is peace...in space. But man, have we got some rad stuff in the works, guard your loins.

You and Mickie are in a band called Gridrats together. How'd that start? Tell me a little bit about it. Mickie? oh yea, I taught that kid everything he knows. In fact, half of the Secretions songs are ripoffs of songs I wrote for the Ramones. Well, me and mickie used to deal drugs together...he would drive the boat from Columbia to the Jersey shore and I would load up the van and take the product to potential buyers. One time a deal went bad and me and Mickie were in a serious firefight, and by that I mean we were fighting dragons.

So these dragons we were selling drugs to got all mad and started breathing fire all over the place and then Mickie roped one with his lasso and punched him so hard he died right then and there, and I used my freeze-vision to freeze the other dragons throat so he couldn't breath fire anymore. Then I cut out his heart so I could eat it to gain his courage and a guitar fell out of his chest. Don't ask me how it got in there, I'm not a doctor. Mickie picked it up and decided to learn how to play.

With the literal oodles of monies I accumulated through drug dealings and contract killings I bought a guitar as well and we started the Gridrats. How we got the name is funny story involving Klingons, but ask mickie, he tells it better.

And in order to obey the dying wishes of my censai we agreed to only play on street corners and wherever the common folk cannot avoid us. It's basically musical rape. Other than that, we just show up at each others solo shows and pretend like we belong there. Look out for me and Mickie assembling a team funky enough for our long awaited by us Star Wars tribute band.

What are your top five favorite albums ever and why?
East Coast Super Sound Punk Today!-World/Inferno Friendship Society - World/Inferno makes me want to blow up buildings, fall in love, burn down my house, dance with strangers, and beilieve in the most absurd things imaginable. They made me realize that no matter how desolate and hopeless the world becomes, you can still make a good party out of anything.

Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables - Dead Kennedys - my first punk rock record was Give me Convience or give me death, and my first introduction to punk was seeing Jello Biafra burn the american flag and throw it on barbed wire on a ministry video. But this album sealed the deal, I can still listen to it all the way through.

Against the Night - Jason Webley - Danny once told me he thinks I could be the next Jason Webley, and it may have been the best compliment I have ever recieved.

Crimes as forgiven by Against me - Against me! - I was at a bad time in my life. Punk rock was fucking boring, everything I was doing seemed stagnent, and the hardcore kings of the counter culture were seeming more and more pathetic. If this was all the great force of rebellion had to offer as philosophy, I knew why the gutter punks were always drunk. I was an Angry young man, angry at the government, racism, greed, chauvanism, alot of faceless entities and all the people singing for me were regurgitating the same tired, vague messages. I was taking myself way to seriously. Then when I heard this song call "Baby I'm an Anarchist" it clicked, and the idea slowly weened into my brain that it was being serious, but also poking fun at itself. Then the more and more Aginast Me I listened to the more inspired I got. I started playing acoustic guitar and making curious observations about everything I was starting to set up my life around. Now I would rather listen to Utah Phillips than the Casualties.

People who can eat people are the luckiest people in the world - Andrew Jackson Jihad - Holy fucking shit

What's something most people don't know about you? If I was going to go on a killing spree I wouldn't act any different...But Secretions related trivia, I yelled "nice orange juice you fuckin freak!" in the Faster than the Speed of Drunk version of Freaks Like Us. It got yelled at Mickie while he was drinking orange juice the week before. And I drew the original cover art for The Rock n Roll Three-Way. But they eventually decided to use that masterpeice with the skeletons. Also, I am the most grand and mighty king of weiners.

What's the worst tattoo you've ever seen? The ones I have given myself.

Add Eoin on myspace and flickr.

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