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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ask Paul: How Can I Get A Job?

This week we have a question from "Anonymous" (is that a Swedish name, do you think?).

Dear Mr. Filthy,

How do you find a job, with no experience whatsoever and in this shitty economy?


Dear Anonymous,

As I see it, the more important, underlying question here is; "How low will I stoop to make a buck?"

Honestly, there are plenty of lame jobs out there that people are willing to pay extremely low wages for. Trust me, a Burger-Flipper is hired at least every five minutes in this country.

If, for some reason, you are a person with a wee higher standards than being a fast-food employee, then I suggest you learn how to lie. Lie like a pro. Make up something good on a resume, and, like you would with a birth-date on a fake ID, memorize all the details so that when it comes to interview time, you can "wow" them with your knowledge of quantum theory and sub atomic particles (ok, don't make your resume look THAT good), or at least that you know how to turn on a computer and hit the "any" key.

Trust me, unqualified people get hired for good positions every day (*cough* -president Bush- *cough*) simply because they made themselves look good.

...otherwise, I hope you like chicken McNuggets.

As for the "finding" of jobs, there's always Craigslist (which will be my new default answer to anything from now on).

Q: "Hey Paul, I have this strange rash on my stomach. Any ideas?"
A:"Hmmm, did you check for it on Craigslist yet?"

Oh, and today's word of the day is:

iconoclast • \eye-KAH-nuh-klast\ • noun
1 : a person who destroys religious images or opposes their veneration
2 : a person who attacks settled beliefs or institutions

Dr. Filthy, signing off.

At this point, I had a follow-up question.

How would one go about getting a job as an iconoclast?

Work for the Protestants. Their all about hating other peoples idol-worship. Its either that or get a job being a communist (it should be noted that the word "job" and "communist" in the same sentence denote a blatant oxymoron, so thank you, the five of you that laughed).


Anonymous said...

Good advice. I've used the old newsstand my Dad owned on my resumes as a restaurant, an office and a deliver job at different times.

Anonymous said...

Thank you paul, How will I ever achieve success without you.