Ask Paul: WTF Happened to Lemmy?

Dear Paul,

What the fuck happened to Lemmy last week?

Love,
Dismayed in Downtown


Dear Dismayed,

Lemmy Had a Case of the Moon-Days.

...or...

A Case for Replacing 20 Year Old Fuel Lines.

As is the case with any unsigned, independent, non trust-fund having, inheritance-less, poor-kid band, the Secretions own and operate a very heavily "experienced" van affectionately christened: Lemmy.

Lemmy is a 1991 Dodge Ram Van that was purchased from a previous california band, and aside from four previous U.S. tours with the previous band, has successfully completed two complete U.S. tours with us.

Now, if you calculate that an average U.S. tour is on roughly twelve to fifteen thousand miles, well, that comes out to nearly a hundred thousand miles of beer, cigarettes and rock n' roll...and thats only tours! Add in local, and in-state shows, and well, thats probably another 100,000 miles of the aforementioned. Accumulate this with the fact that these miles are being accrued at the hands of, well, not exactly the most mindful of drivers, and that all just leads to a googolplex (which is the word of the day, kids, hit the wiki!) of maintenance issues and repair issues.

One such issue being that after 20 years of service, rubber fuel lines tend to wear and crack, and ultimately make nice little (or large) gasoline-fountains under the engine compartment of your bands conveyance. With this said, if anyone was wondering why we took forever to get to the Gillman show last saturday, well, just remember we have to tend to the 200,000 miles of rock 'n roll our beloved van has endured, and if that beloved van wants to make gasoline-wee on the highway, well, we'll sure as hell let him!

...at least, until we notice, and have him towed home for his incontinence, leaving us to have to drive like bats outta hell in our cars to make the show!

Btw, the Adorkables totally saved the night by letting us use their gear, so check them out and give 'em a high-5!

- Paul