"The Secretions are men of peace in a world of mayhem. They are poets and onanists and bloodsucking freaks. They are punk rock."

- Joe Queer of the Queers
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Sunday, September 14, 2008

Secretin of the Week - Shaun Pedophile

This week's Secretin is an oldie but a goodie. Well, he's not that old actually but he's been around for a long time and probably drank enough beer to have aged himself to around forty by now anyway (current picture of him at left, picture from when I met him below).

Back in the day, he went by Shaun Pedophile - which was ironic because he was a minor who hung out with mostly older kids, and now dates mostly older women. I guess that just proves that some irony is funny and it's not just for hipsters. I say we take it back, starting with Shaun Pedophile.

Name: The artist formerly known as Shaun Pedophile
Age: 21
City: Sacramento
Occupation: Desk Jockey

Favorite Secretions Album: Til' Death

Favorite Secretions Song: Probably Disturbing Analogies

Favorite Secretions Video: Faster Than The Speed of Drunk...hands down, that was a BLAST (Note from Crystal: Shaun was in that video)!

When was the first time you saw them play live? I stumbled across them by accident. I went to see the Helper Monkeys at the Capitol Garage back when it was next to Beers Books and it was by far the best all ages venue in town. The Secretions played, and I went to every show I could get to after that.

Where are you usually found at concerts? I am usually right on the edge of the pit these days, I dislodge too many years of tar from my lungs when I try and go in. Other than that I am outside smoking, or maybe tracking down old friends that I never see anymore. And yes, now that I have finally graduated out of the realm of warm 12 packs of PBR in the back of the car outside the venue you will probably see me with a drink glued to my hand.

Did your parents know you're a Secretin? What did they think about it? Oh god. They knew, and they were not happy. Between getting caught sneaking out and coming home at 3am from drinking coffee all night at Lyons with Crystal and Kyle and my mom calling the cops on Kyle because I went on a road trip for a show when I was told I couldn’t...I think they knew. Fortunately, turned out she was bluffing and Kyle doesn’t have a kidnapping conviction on his record.

What's the craziest thing that ever happened to you at a show? This was a blast: Danny knew how much I loved Ashtray and was nice enough to call me up and offer me a ride to Petaluma for a show The Secretions were playing with them. Of COURSE I was in so I rode with Crystal, Mickie, Dan, and the newly recruited Paul in the van.

The show was amazing as usual. Afterwards we all went to somebody's house and started drinking and just generally screwing around, listened to a hysterical story about getting hammered, shitting your pants in public, and a creepy homeless guy...not my story, sorry.

1 or 2 A.M. rolled around and whoever was driving said it was time to head out because it was a bit of a drive. So we hit the road with me being WAY too drunk for my own good. I was excruciatingly tired, but every time I tried to close my eyes I got the spins and was afraid I was going to spew Jim Boys tacos all over some poor soul.

Finally, just as we are going through Vallejo I decide it's safe to close my eyes. As soon as I start to fall asleep I hear a loud POP! and feel the van jolt. I open my eyes to see Dan and Paul up front staring at the billowing smoke that is now pouring out of the hood as they decide just how fucked we are. We have JUST enough momentum to coast into the parking lot of a Safeway right off the freeway.

Our friendly neighborhood gear heads Mickie and Paul get out and mumble about damage that I don’t understand. They decide that yes, we are indeed completely and totally fucked so the boys call a tow truck and then we realize the bad news: The tow truck can only fit two of us.

It is now at least 3 A.M. and we are a long enough way from home for it to suck major ass. We briefly debate putting the 3 lightest in the van covered in a blanket to sneak it past the tow truck driver...but end up deciding against that plan, not really knowing why, just knowing we are drunk and tired...and therefore logic dictates there IS a flaw in our logic and we are just too exhausted to pinpoint it.

It is decided that Dan and Paul are going to ride in the tow truck, go get Paul's car, and then they would come pick Mickie, Crystal, and I up from the Safeway in Vallejo...but it would be at least a few hours.

So we stumble into the Safeway and thank Christ it is open 24 hours because it was freezing balls outside. Now it may be open, but it is dead. There is a total of maybe 2 or 3 employees and a couple guys moping the floors here and there. We walk in and a younger girl behind the counter sees us, sees how miserable we look, and walks right for the coffee maker.

She makes us fresh coffee and pours me a GIANT cup, and charges me for an extra small and doesn’t even ring up the jumbo bag of Cheetos I got. Crystal and Mickie(for those of you who don’t know, you can refer to them as Crickie...it's all inclusive like Siamese twins or something) grab some energy drink, chips, etc. and we plop down on the tile floor of the bakery aisle that is a little warmer that the rest of the store.

So we sat bullshitting, snacking, and trying to ignore our headaches for hours. On a side note, Cheetos dipped in black coffee is pretty god damn delicious.

Anyway, eventually Paul showed up and Dan was nice enough to ride with him instead of going to bed. We got back to Dan's house when the sun was plenty high in the sky although I have no clue what time it was. I stumbled out of the car and fell into the back of my camper shell on my truck that I sleep in when I am away from home. I tried to sleep for about 15 minutes but it just was not going to happen. I jumped in my truck, already hungover and spent an hour trying to get myself un-lost from Dan's maze of a neighborhood (okay okay, I am just geographically challenged).

That entire fiasco is one of the best memories I have.

Any funny/random stories you'd like to share? There are others, but I am supposed to be working right now.

You're kind of a punk show veteran at this point and a whole new generation is making up the pit these days...what do you wish someone had told you when you were younger? What do you want the next gen of punks to know? You know, I think the new generation has got it down better and quicker than most of the people did when I was still that age. If somebody falls, pick them up...NOW! If the poor bastard falls and gets trampled it is your fault and you suck eternally. Also, no punches, elbows, spiked jackets or spikes in general. Lastly, don’t swing your giant fuck off steel toed boots everywhere. Everybody will know immediately that you are trying to prove you are manly and hung like an elephant seal...but that you are not. You will not get laid if this is you.

Other than that, just have fun. Don’t try and hurt people, just jump around, knock each other around a bit, laugh...just let off some steam with people that need to do the same without being a dick about it.

Now that I think about it, I clearly remember seeing pictures of that hellish but deliriously fun night at Safeway sometime recently. I'm going to try and dig those up and post them.


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