"The Secretions are men of peace in a world of mayhem. They are poets and onanists and bloodsucking freaks. They are punk rock."

- Joe Queer of the Queers
Secretions' items Go to Secretions' photostream

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


The Secretions will be adding another stop to their MEDIA BLITZ TOUR this Friday! They will be special guests on the inaugural return show for PUNK ROCK ACADEMY on KWOD 106.5 FM this Friday at noon.

Let's reiterate:

7am... MY58 TV Morning Show (cable channel 4) - between 7am and 9am, they're going to play like 45 seconds of a song each time the program cuts to commercial. I can't wait to see the uncomfortable looks on the poor anchor people's faces when they realize what they've gotten themselves into.

noon... KWOD 106.5 FM - I don't know if they're playing or just interviewing, but I know they'll have consumed enough caffeine by this time that at least two of them will be squirming in their seats trying not to shit their pants.

2pm... KXJZ 90.9 FM - I honestly have NO FUCKING IDEA what the FUCK is happening with this one. I've tried to find them on a schedule or flyer or ANYTHING and can't find anything. This schedule (if I'm even looking at the right website) says that 2pm on Friday is devoted to "A daily, in-depth interview program hosted by KXJZ's Jeffrey Callison, providing context and background to the issues that face our region." Hmmm...doesn't sound very - uh - Secretiony. I also heard a rumor that my landlord, ex-Sacramento Bee local music writer, is going to be the one interviewing them, but have found no evidence to back that up. WTF?

5pm... Concert In The Park - This is going to be HUGE. Roach (former Groovie Ghoulie) has started a new band called Baby! with former Riff Randall, Kortnee, and Scampi (also former Ghoulie).

Tom H, Jessi Ramone, Skott, and Cary Rodda has combined their superpowers into one band, the No Goodniks. I caught the end of them at the BFD and they're like Queensbury Rules, now with 30% ROCKNROLL.

And who could forget Final Summation? Last Saturday hey had the release show for the brand new bitchin' album, A New Approach, and they will be selling it at the park show for $10. If you can, bring $20 instead so you can donate $10 to the production of a documentary about their experiences on tour. If you've picked up the latest Alive & Kicking, you know just how "juicey" those experiences can be.

I don't know for certain, but I heard a rumor that the Secretions will be performing a cover by some band called...oh, what was it? Something like "Screaming Ferret" or "Squeaking Walrus" or something. Anyway, I also heard tell of a certain former Knockoff joining them onstage.

Don't forget to bring a little bit of extra cash so you can purchase something from Deranged Designs, should you see something that suits your fancy...which you probably will.

If you miss this show, I give you permission to just go ahead and end your own life. No one will think less of you for it.

9pm...Old Ironsides - Everyone is going to be delirious, wasted, and hallucinating by this time. If you are over 21, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you haul your cookies down 10th street after the park show to Old Ironisdes. If you're already drunk and/or lazy, you can call Yellow Cab at (916) 444-2222 and get to Old I for like $6 or so, less if you carpool and split the fare. And when you get there, they have $2 PBRs. What more do you need in life? Nothing.
Like I said last time I wrote about this, Danny is going to get emotional and overwhelmed by around 10:30 or so and start hugging people. If they day went really well, he might even cry a little, or at least slobber on your neck when he hugs you (some of you might remember being slobbered on at the SOS BBQ last June).

If you aren't 21 yet, just do what the early Secretins used to do...have a picnic. We'd order a pizza, bring some twelve packs of soda, and some blankets and listen to the show from outside.

Sometimes we'd play spin the bottle or Truth or Dare to entertain ourselves. Actually, that's how we met Little Ian. We groped him on a dare. The band members would come out and hang out with us a little, as well as a lot of our 21+ friends. Even though we couldn't SEE the show, we still always had a fucking blast.

Sometimes the bouncers would even let us use the bathroom (but not always and there is nowhere open nearby, so bring some toilet paper and be prepared to squat in the parking lot) or open the door for a few minutes so we could hear better. As long as you pick up all the trash you bring with you and don't cause problems, they won't give you trouble.

WAYS TO GET IN TROUBLE: try to sneak in, arrive drunk, try to drink out front, harass the bouncers, fight, pester people, cause problems with traffic. Don't do any of these, or I'll hit you.

In short, wear comfortable shoes and drink lots of water (or Jolt). It's going to be a LOOOOOOONG fucking day.


Anonymous said...

You're awesome, Crystal!

Joe said...

I think that picture of Danny and I has been used the most on this blog.

Xtal Case said...

Well, YEAH!

It's classic.