I Need Caffeine: Mickie Rat's quest for The Black Blood Of The Earth

I pedaled home from work as fast as I possibly could on Apocalypse, my aptly-named weather-worn single speed 1960s Schwinn cruiser. I was excited to finally get to try the supercharged coffee I had been reading so much about ever since Warren Ellis started mentioning it on his site. “Coffee that breaks science itself” is what he called it, and I was going to get some. The Black Blood of the Earth is the name that was given it by Funranium Labs, the creators of this unholy concoction. My main concern of this particular Thursday was that I needed to meet Herr Direktor, head honcho of Funranium Labs, before he left the Hangar One Distillery in Alameda. I needed to pick up my bottle of BBotE, as they called it for short, and the only way to currently get the stuff is by direct handoff. For some reason they have yet to figure out a way to safely ship this potent brew, but methods are currently being investigated.

I changed out of my office monkeysuit into my normal streetwear and quickly made my way out to the battered red convertible that I drive. It was 4:47 and I somehow needed to make it to Alameda by 6:30. The car was fast enough if the roads were clear, but unfortunately at 5PM on a Thursday the road into SF was as clogged as ever. Still, I made it to the abandoned air force hangar that now housed the distillery by 6:37. Luckily Herr Direktor was still there and I handed over my 40 bucks for the 750ml bottle of none-more-blackness that was The Black Blood Of The Earth. I popped the cork out and took a sniff. It smelled amazing. I had decided to get the Kona blend, as I had never tried Kona before because it’s so damned expensive. I actually had the willpower to not chug a huge swig right then and there. I decided to wait until the next morning, because I had the day off and I had a busy list of things to do.

I woke up the Friday morning, fiending for caffeine as I usually do. It was time. Time to ingest this unholy elixir. Herr Direktor told me that one shotglass worth of BBotE would be enough to get me wired for most of the day. One option he told me about was mixing it with vodka, another one was just mixing into a cup of hot water as regular coffee. I decided I would just pour it into a shotglass and take a shot of the stuff straight. I pored it into the shotglass and held it up to the kitchen light to examine the color. This was difficult, since only a tiny dot of light was visible through the none-more-blackness of the evil coffee concoction! Now that’s a coffee that lives up to its name. I downed the shot, and in true nerdy science fashion, set my phone timer for 45 minutes, which should be about when it kicked in.

About 45 minutes later, I noticed a nice caffeine high settling in. It wasn’t anything spectacularly amazing, but I was appropriately caffeinated. I had been warned by several people to take it easy on the BBotE, but I’m fully aware that moderation really isn’t my style. I had decided that if I wasn’t hopping like a one-legged man in a marathon in another hour or so, I was going to have another shot.

Sure enough, another hour went by, and I was feeling properly caffeinated, but also quite normal. I needed another shot of The Black Blood Of The Earth. This time I decided I would try to mix it with hot water and drink it as a cup of coffee. I nuked some water in the microwave and mixed it with another shot of BBotE according to the recommended 3:1 ratio. It made one of the best cups of Kona coffee I have ever had in my life. No bitterness, no acidity, just a damn fine cuppa joe. I waited a while longer to see what the effect would be. It was around a quarter to four when I realized that HOLY CRAP WAS I EVER WIRED. I drove to my mother in law’s house to pick up some furniture she was getting rid of and it was all I could do to not yell at everyone who wasn’t driving at supersonic speeds down Broadway. Stoked with energy, I quickly packed up the heavy furniture by myself and took it back to the house. At this point I was getting ready to leave for the Friday night free concert in Cesar Chavez Plaza. My friends in Kepi The Band were playing that night. Suddenly it occurred to me, KEPI NEEDS THIS COFFEE.

Kepi, formerly of Sacramento legendary pop-punk band The Groovie Ghoulies, is one of the only people I know who is as coffee-crazy and caffeine addicted as I am. Who better to test the equally as legendary BBotE on? I quickly mixed up a batch of a shot and a half of BBotE in hot water, put it in a mason jar, and sped off to Cesar Chavez Plaza on my trusty steed Apocalypse. In the middle of my twenty block ride the caffeine really started to kick in. Colors were so vibrant to my eyes they were practically bleeding off of whatever I looked at. I became hyper aware of my surroundings. I could instantly see an imaginary predictive vector line path of every vehicle, pedestrian, or other mobile object that might get in my way and was able to instantly plot a course around them. Red lights did not have the power to stop me as I blew through traffic like a madman. My leg muscles were burning by the time I skidded to a stop in front of City Hall. I bounded up the steps, found Kepi and quickly told him about The Best Coffee Ever. He was intrigued and took a sip. He passed it around to a few other people and everyone agreed that it was amazing coffee. Not surprisingly, it was quite the energetic show that night. I managed to burn off a lot of my excess energy by dressing up in a banana costume and chasing costumed monkeys around the stage during the Kepi set. By the time I got home I was pleasantly tired, and the horrendous post-caffeine crash that I expected never came.

Over the next few days as I continued to drink various doses of BBotE, I found out a few things. The first was that taking a shot of concentrated BBotE does not get me as wired as mixing it into water and drinking it as coffee does. I’m not any kind of scientist so I couldn’t tell you why. The second discovery I made was that there is no crazy post-caffeine crash like you get with energy drinks or regular coffee. Again, I have no idea why. The third and saddest discovery is that I usually need at least two shots of it at once to feel super wired. I wouldn’t know what dosage to recommend for other folks, because my body chemistry is a bit strange and I have a weird resistance to caffeine, probably from drinking Jolt and various forms of coffee for 20 years.

One thing I will say is this, if you live anywhere near San Francisco, you need to drive your ass down to the bay and pick up a bottle of this stuff. It’s a fun time if you like good coffee and getting wired. I haven’t tried mixing it with alcohol yet, that’s another experiment for another time. If you want to try this amazing stuff, go to http://store.funraniumlabs.com/ and click on the tab that says “The Black Blood Of The Earth.”