"The Secretions are men of peace in a world of mayhem. They are poets and onanists and bloodsucking freaks. They are punk rock."

- Joe Queer of the Queers
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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Stories from the Road

Danny wrote me an email with some pictures of tour and a brief rundown of what happened each day...here is it! From the looks of it, they're having a fucking blast!

March 20th...Blackwater Cafe / Stockton CA
Opening the show was Ladybird from France. I was confused because one of them had an Australian accent. Nonetheless, amazing people. Touchy Feelies played next. It was awesome to catch up with Scampi again! Self Destroyer played next and filled the room with testosterone. Nice guys though. I was super nervous until a secretin by the name of Liz showed up and showed love and support! YAY FOR STOCKTON!

March 21st...Vinny's Bar / Bakersfield CA
On the way to the show I hawked the biggest loogie of my life while sitting in the passenger seat. Unfortunately, the laws of aerodynamics didn't comply with me as I left about a quart of DNA on the passenger door. YUM! The bar looked like something you would have seen in the Patrick Swayze classic "Roadhouse". Lots of mullets from both sides of the gender here. I played "Made In Japan" by Mr. Buck Owens and the crowd was putty in my hands from then on. The Filthies played and blew the fucking roof off the joint! The Runaway Strays closed out the show and even let me sing a Misfits number with them. Awesome bands! Expect to see them coming to Sacramento soon. The drummer from The Filthies, Gup, is quite possibly the nicest guy who can kick anyone's ass. My new friend Heath from the band The In-Denials wins the Awesome-Guy-Setting-Up-A-Show-For-A-Touring-Artist-Award.

March 22nd...The Tower Bar / San Diego CA
Erin and I got to see our good friends Chris & Melissa. I was super excited to go back to The Tower Bar as it is one of my favorite stops on tour. Opening the show was a kick ass band called Idiot Box. The Rich White Males took the stage next and more than lived up to my Johnny Ramone-esque expectations. I had a blast playing for the drunken crowd. I played "Silly Girl" by The Desendents for my friends Chris and Melissa. Chris is a Marine who is going to be out for at least 7 months. Hang in there Melissa! An added bonus to this show was a surprise set by The Bugs which features Dave from The Queers. It was great to see him and I was super excited that he remembered me.

March 23rd...Sultana Bar / Williams AZ
To sum up this drunken evening, Erin and I took drinks everytime a grumpy old guy playing pool swore. Needless to say, we were shammered withing 30 minutes! Erin chased me through the streets of Wiliams afterwards.

March 24th...The Ruby Room / Phoenix AZ
WHAT A FUCKING DAY! We started off by having the world's best breakfast burrito and then walked around downtown Williams AZ for a couple of hours. We found a killer tourist stop that has a lifesize version of Bedrock. Erin and I ran around like two sugar-charged kids.

Then we made our way to the GRAND CANYON. Holy shit. If that wonder of nature doesn't make you well up with tears, you aren't a fucking human being! On our way to Phoenix, we actually saw a bunch of snow. We pulled over and kicked each other's asses in a snowball fight. I lost a shoe. Erin had snow in her butt crack. We stopped in Flagstaff for dinner.

We arrived in Phoenix AZ at about 8pm and set up our merch table in the fabulous Ruby Room. The bartender was AWESOME and I was very much looking forward to this show because also on the bill were The Hobo Gobblins from Oakland CA. This band features Dan from Bobby Joe Ebola & The Children McNuggets. Unfortunately, opening the show was about 10 stand-up comics from The Phoenix AZ area.

Let me say this first and foremost, I think stand-up comics are very talented individuals WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY. With the exception of two comics (The guy with the "sticker-bear" and then the guy who I blinded with our car lights in the parking lot), these fuckers have absolutely no right to stand on stage with a mic in their hands. I'm sorry but a joke that states "I call my girlfriend Lumpy. Not because she's fat, but because she has breast cancer" only makes me want to connect a rubber hose from my car exhaust to your fucking face. Take heed fans of stand-up comedy...if the comic you are going to see hails from Phoenix AZ, chances are he or she sucks royally.

I played after these Couldn't-Get-Laid-In-A-Whore-House-With-A-Fist-Full-Of-Twenty-Dollar-Bills-So-Called-Comics. I was very happy with the members of the audience who sat back and listened and enjoyed. As far as the comics, they can choke on a big fat hunk of karma for all I care. I finished the set with a cover of The Toys Dolls' "Dougy Giro" and dedicated it to The Hobo Gobblins.

After my set, the bartender played Toy Dolls on the PA. Once again, the bartender at The Ruby Room kicks major league ass! The Hobo Gobblins did nothing but make this evening a golden treat. If you are a fan of Jason Webley, you will LOVE The Hobo Gobblins! I will do everything I can to bring this amazing troupe of talented individuals to Sacramento.

After the show, we sold some shirts, made some gas money from the bar and headed out for an evening of beer drinking and camping.

See the rest of the pictures here.

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