"The Secretions are men of peace in a world of mayhem. They are poets and onanists and bloodsucking freaks. They are punk rock."

- Joe Queer of the Queers
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Guest Writer: Andy Damage

I put out a myspace bulletin the other day asking people to contribute anything they can think of to this site...CD reviews, favorite memories...just...whatever. My first response ended up being from a Secretin who doesn't even live on our side of the country.
His name is Andy Damage and he's a nineteen year old from Illinois. He's in a band called the Damages with his brother Marky and their friend, Danny. The Damages and the Secretions have come into contact with each other twice while the Secretions were on their US tours of 2006 and 2007. The Damages are planning to try and do a west coast tour as soon as they can. Check out their page and listen to their music. That way you'll know the words when they come to town.

Andy sent me a compelling tale of heartbreak and being hammered, of betrayal and lit-up anuses, of mistaken identity and stealing ladders from venue owners. With no further delay, please read on.

"First off, I wanna say the behind the scenes for Cemetery Pogo is really cool and I'm glad I read it...I had NO idea the zombies were Final Summation. Also, the Secretins story is amazing....it just shows me HOW bad the scene is up here. We could never ever organize something like that (although we don't exactly have a band to rally around also, but whatever). The most that ever happened was "The Damages Army" when us and all our fans got into a fight with a buncha ghetto kids.

Also, I would like to share with you some of MY behind the scene information and favorite Secretions story....maybe you can use it for the site.

First things first...

A little known fact about Andy Damage is that at one time, he hated the Secretions. Yep, and I figure I might as well tell the story before Marky does and makes me sound like a douchebag.
What happened is this: about a year or so ago, when the Secretions came through Chicago, I believe on the "Coming to Save the World" tour, I was in love with them and showing everyone their music.

The Damages tried like HELL to get on the show, but in the end, The Hollywood Nightmares stole our spot (actually much like they did the last time The Secretions came through, hmmm). Anyway....I was kind of upset about our spot being taken, but I was going to go to the show anyway. THEN it got changed to a 21+ show....and that really pissed me off....so I got really mad at them and vowed never to go to another show and stopped listening to them for a while.

After about half a year, I was back to normal though. In retrospect I realize it was dumb and they really didn't have much control over the venue or who they played with...So SECRETIONS, I'M SORRY! Even though they had no idea.

Another little known fact. When I first found The Secretions Mickie was my favorite Secretion, and Danny was Marky's favorite. But, after meeting them in person and hanging out with them, their roles have switched. Not to say that we don't love all the Secretions equally, because we absolutely do....it's just that I lean more towards Danny personality-wise and Marky leans more towards Mickie.

Now, favorite Secretions story.

This is from when they came through and we got to hang out with them....this is the official story of how the night went. This will also give insight into why The Secretions are The Damages' idols and punk rock heroes.
So, we get to the coffee house and see all the guys (including Final Summation) unloading. I waited around for a while and kind of slouched around til' the opportunity to talk to one of them presented itself...and it just so happened to be Danny.

We immediately launched into a convo about pop punk and the recent Ghoulies breakup. It was a nice convo.

Then the Hollywood Nightmares went on and rocked the house. Andrew, their drummer, made Danny very jealous, haha. Final Summation went after them and put on a great show. I had never heard them prior to this show so it was something new to hear. Bear is a fucking madman onstage and I loved it, I thought he was going to break the floor boards!

Theeen the Secretions went on and it was amazing. Every song was played great....especially "Sick of Feelin' Like Shit," which they did an awesome introduction into. When they played "Boner," we all rushed the stage to sing and no one was by the mic I had (and I knew all the lyrics) so it was like I was singing for the Secretions! Needless to say there was not a dry spot on the front of my pants.

At the end of the set, they were going to play a song (I don't know which) but Marky and I kept screaming for them to play "Viva La Lucha Libre"...and they did! Amazing show.

Now onward to the rest of the night. Before I get into details I'm going to say this....You KNOW that guys are your heroes when they're twice your age and party harder than YOU do!

Here's how the night went, I will try to be as brief as possible.

We left the venue to go to another venue to sleep. Danny rode with Marky and I in my car and we had an awesome chat about music and the Queers.....and my dumbass forgot to stop at the liquor store on the way....good thing there was a bar in the strip mall we were in, huzzah! So the Secretions and Bear went into the bar to get trashed. My drummer met us at the venue because he was staying there too.

Now, he's going to kill me when I tell this part of the story but it's funny so I DON'T CARE!There was a stuffed Frankenstein hanging up in the venue and apparently Jordan from FS is a huge horror enthusiast and had never seen that stuffed Frank before, so he offered to buy it off Danny (my drummer, it was his)....and Danny said, "ya know what, just throw in a T-shirt and have all of you sign it and well call it a deal". What makes this funny is the fact that Danny had only HEARD the Secretions and never actually laid eyes on them (he couldn't make it to the show earlier). SO he, in fact, thought he WAS talking to the Secretions and was about to get a Secretions shirt out of the deal. I laughed my ass off because I knew exactly what was happening before it even happened (I know my boy).

Ok ok, back to the story. All the boys came back from getting sauced....I had gone out and bought them a crave case (YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE WHITE CASTLE IN CALIFORNIA! COMMUNISTS!) and everyone had a nice chat while eating some burgers. Mickie entertained us all with his impressions of the ghetto people in Detroit and Danny tried to buy my ex-girlfriend's Heineken hat off of her, stating "Heineken?! Well, I had about 8 of those tonight".

Then they went back to the vans, (which we dropped off at Marky's house for safety reasons)and got the rest of their whiskey. At this point, we were all trying to settle down and go to bed while Mickie was playing guitar hero.

All this time the Secretions are being...well....sort of rowdy, and the owner of the venue was getting very pissed off. He kept on sending Marky text messages throughout the night saying "I fucking hate you. I thought you told me they'd be asleep" to which Marky replied, "I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE TOO, THEY'RE IN THEIR 30'S!"

So the lights got turned off and everyone was talking....Danny proceeds to bend his legs over his head with his boxers off and shines a flashlight into his anus, to which (I think Jordan or Kiel) said, "dude I think I can see your kidneys". Then he turns on some weird techno/Benny Hill song on his cell phone and starts running laps around the venue. I thought I was going to piss myself.

Ok, on to the BEST part of the night.

The owner of the venue told everyone that we couldn't go outside the back doors to smoke because of the cops. So everyone was just laying down (FIY: for the next part of this story you need this info....the owners slept up in a little loft and got up and down from it with a ladder) Ok, so everyone was kind of chit-chatting and it's all dark. Suddenly, in the middle of the darkened room, I saw Danny duck walking over to Marky...just creeping along....and he whispered really loudly "hey, I've got an idea....if we take his ladder away he can't tell us what to do anymore..." and Marky replied "I think he can hear what you're saying". Danny said, "Oh....shhhhh, we'll do it later when he doesn't expect it" then he duck walked away back to his sleeping bag.

Wow, it was at that point, seeing a middle aged man saying that if we take the dude's ladder away he can't boss us around anymore, that I knew these fucking guys were my heroes and I'm going to grow up (or not) to be just like them.

The Damages and the Secretions. Tour 2007

I-Fucking-Love-The Secretions!

We're coming guys...and this time WE'RE gonna bring the party."

- Andy Damage

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